GETTING OFF TO A GREAT START WITH COLLEGE ROOMMATES by Dodge Johnson, Educational Consultant
from his Philadelphia Inquirer Column "Countdown to College"
If you're off to college this fall and living on campus, chances are pretty good that you'll have at least one roommate - and maybe several.
That's fine with most freshmen. And it's just as well, since colleges mostly reserve singles for upperclassmen.
It's not just that roommates are potential friends in a sea of strangers. The notion of roommates is so ingrained in the folklore of "college" that freshmen who draw singles sometimes feel cheated.
Even though having company is as easy as leaving the door open, they're afraid they'll miss out on the fun, the sharing, the good times, the fond memories old grads draw on for a lifetime.
Given the romantic buildup, it's astonishing how often myth blossoms into reality. You will have good times. And you will build a bank of memories. But these things will happen faster and more easily if you understand some realities the myths don't mention.
Know that although many roommates become friends, good relations depend less on friendship than on tolerance, effort, and good will.
Some freshman roommates see little of one another - because they have different interests or their schedules don't mesh, or even by choice. They may forge their closest friendships elsewhere, and that's okay. They can still do things together. They can introduce each other to new sets of friends. But when they spend time together, it's by choice rather than necessity.
Colleges don't recommend rooming with someone from high school. For one thing, if you're meeting newness in the classroom, why not also in your dorm room? Living with someone with a different background or from another part of the country or even the world is an education in itself.
For another, even a vintage high school friendship may not survive the intimacy of close quarters.
You'll each be a "new you" yoked with someone who "knew you when." Ties can become constraints as you explore all college has to offer. And if you hoped rooming with a high school chum would guarantee a safe harbor, it can be traumatic to find that's where things are stormiest.
Before matching roommates, most colleges ask about lifestyle - whether you're an early bird or night owl, whether you're turned on by rap, rock or Rachmaninov.
Recognize that roommate relations can be fragile at first. So don't ask them to bear more than is comfortable. Always tagging along can sour a budding friendship. Failing to include a roommate now and then will seem cold and unfriendly - particularly in a triple, where it's so easy for two to become friends and leave the other out in the cold.
"Fill out the questionnaire as you are and not as you'd like to be," says Marie Schauder, Assistant Director for Training and Development at Villanova University. "You're a non-smoker only if you don't smoke - not because you hope to quit or your parents don't know. And if you shade the truth, you're building a roadblock to the relationship you want."
When you learn your roommate's name, make a friend by making contact. He or she will be curious too. A good ice-breaker is to decide who will bring whatever no one needs two of, like mini-fridges.
When you pack your car, bring the minimum. Colleges ease territorial problems by providing identical sets of everything like closets, desks and shelves. But space is limited.
You'll want to personalize your room with knick-knacks and posters. But keep things small-scale. You won't win points if your herd of stuffed animals keeps migrating to a roommate's bed.
Recognize that basic rights like sleeping or studying come before "rights" that are merely convenience. This means using earphones even at "reasonable" hours if your roommate ticks to a different clock. It means not assuming overnight guests will always be convenient.
Learning when to speak up and when to "let live" takes time and practice. Constant criticism won't improve things. Neither will being a doormat.
Colleges consider resolving roommate differences a do-it-yourself project. So most won't make changes for the first several weeks. You may end up better friends when you've talked things through. But even if you're not buddies, you can live and let live.
If things still aren't working, consult the Resident Assistant, usually an upperclassman or grad student. RA's aren't there to solve problems but to help people solve their own. They are trained not to interfere and will do so only as a last resort.
On the other hand, colleges also recognize that there are problems students can't and shouldn't handle without help. And you do everyone a favor by telling someone in authority if a roommate is, say, a problem drinker or behaving bizarrely.
Finally, good roommate relationships - like good roommates - are made, not born. Most people find them among the really rewarding parts of college life. All it takes is mutual respect, reasonable flexibility, and some care and feeding - not bad training for relationships after college, when you think about it.
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